Not worth it

It is 7:40pm on a Friday. Perfect time to be doing something with a friend. Go for a drink. Or a bike ride. Or a chat in the garden. Summer evenings are so bloody long. Making friends you can just call in for a chat, a bike ride, a cup of tea, a drink...it takes so, so long. 

I remember how I moved to Northampton in 2006, and it wasn't until I met the Ladies from Invocal in November 2009 that I started making friends there. But at least back then I had Jane so I wasn't alone. 

I miss having friends near me. I miss being half of a partnership. When will this ever get easier.  

It just feels so unfair. I know, that is a whiny thing to say but it just crushes me sometimes that I am so fucking stuck despite everything I try whilst she doesn't even give it a second thought these days. I wish I could have some of that skill. 

It is more than 3 years later and next week, my therapist will have me scream at an empty chair in the hope that pretending she's in that chair will help. He asked me to bring something that represents her. 

I will bring some Indigo Girls CDs. They symbolise all the music I can't listen to anymore. ABBA, Dusty Springfield, Tori Amos, anything I ever listened to when we were together. Or perversely, even stuff she hates. Beautiful South, REM... Can't hear it without my head filling with pictures of us singing along to those songs in the car. Or around the house. Or her saying how much she disliked it. Or remember how we sounded pretty great when we sang together. But then I remember how I sang harmonies to love songs she wrote about him. Whilst he was in the audience. No matter what songs I hear, if they have a most tiny connection to my past with her, they all eventually bring me that same thought. Hundreds of songs. I've not listened to music and enjoyed it since March 2019. 

I would prefer to remember my past by treasuring happy memories and deal with the unhappy ones. I have done it with Jane. I remember my time with her with love and affection, despit the immense pain and trauma. But that's not possible in this case.  Please someone tell me about a drug that wipes away the past 10 years. Because the happiness does not weigh up against the pain. I have tried. But it just doesn't. All that's left of me and Corinne for me is pain. I genuinely wish I had never met her. 

It wasn't worth this.