Not angry enough

What I wanted to go was shout. I wanted to be the person who cut off all the buttons off her clothes. I wanted to slash his tyres. I wanted to make sure everyone they ever knew was aware of the details of the horrid things they said and did. I wanted to key his car. I wanted to contact her work and tell them. I wanted to tell people at every gig and open mic that if they saw them together, they should shun them. I wanted her to feel guilty for the rest of her life. I wanted to shout at her. I wanted to shout at him. I wanted to hurt them in whatever way I could. 

But I didn't. Yes I told people about stuff that happened. But I did nothing particularly angry. And whenever anyone said she was a bitch, I defended her by saying: No, she did a bitchy thing, but she is a good person deep down.

When I first found out Corinne had been cheating, one of the first things she said was: "People will hate me because I have cheated on a widow". In response, I hugged her and said people would not be so shallow. That people would understand she could not help who she fell in love with (Of course this was before I discovered the whole thing had been an elaborately planned thing that had been going on for months, likely years). I contacted our friends to ask them to be kind to Corinne and to offer her support. That she didn't deserve to be shunned. I gave her access to the house so she could visit the cats. I felt sorry for her having to live with her parents. I made sure she had her passport and other important documents from the filing cabinet in our house. I apologised for having expressed anger in my blog posts and Facebook posts. I deleted those posts after she and Andy asked me to because they were afraid it would have an effect on hoe many people might book them for gigs. Whenever I found stuff that was hers, I would keep it and contact her to offer it back to her, rather than throwing it away, like people said I should do. When she said I needed a personality transplant for me to be someone she would want to be with, I was shocked, but I softened it by telling myself that I knew that was not what she meant and that it just came out of her mouth awkwardly. When I found a box of Christmas decorations 8 months after she left, I offered them back to her. Because I was worried I would look like a petty and pathetic lunatic if she ever asked for them back and I would have to tell her I chucked them out (in response she called the police and asked them to pick the box up...) Basically, I spent a lot of time worrying about her and making sure she did not think I was a bitter person.  I thought being angry and bitter would just give her the chance to say: "Yikes, I am glad I left that woman, see what I had to live with".

I have had a revelation

I did not call her a bitch. I couldn't. I have always been very proud of not calling people names. It is utterly counter productive in an argument and it causes irreparable harm to relationships. I just said she behaved badly. I felt that expressing raw anger would make me look like one of those jilted wives we all laugh about. And also, rationally speaking, I have always believed nobody IS a cunt. Nobody IS a bitch. People do cunty things, people behave like bitches. But name-calling was never my thing.  And so when people said Corinne was a bitch, instead of saying: Yeah. I said: Well, no, she just did a bad thing, she's a good person deep down. I felt that saying: I KNOW, RIGHT, would just make me look bad and not "a good sport".

Even at the darkest period of my life, my focus was not on me. It was on others. It was on making sure Corinne would not think I was a sad, pathetic, vengeful mess. It was on not making other people think I was spiteful. The focus was on trying to present as a fully rational person who was able to say: Yeah, she did a shitty thing but I am stronger than this and I am moving on with my head held high. Every time a new lie came to light in the months/years after, I fought the anger afresh, I let the wound be ripped open again without allowing myself to say the one thing that wanted to scream at her and the world: She was a horrible person who did a horrible, selfish, sociopathic, self-serving thing where she did not care about the damage it did to me. No. I kept telling myself that yes, it was a horrid thing, but....but...but... For all kinds of reasons, I keep defending her. 

The longer it has been, the less I feel I have a right to be angry. It has been 3 years after all. But all this anger is still there. And I have turned it into self loathing.  I am not allowing myself to feel angry at Corrine for moving on so easily. I am now angry at myself for not being over it. I am not allowing myself to feel angry at Corinne sitting in her car in front of our house, talking to him before coming inside after work. I am angry at myself for still getting anxiety when I see a red Skoda CitiGo. I am not allowing myself to feel angry at Corinne for lying to our friends. I am angry at myself for suggesting Corinne talked to them. 

And I am constantly angry at myself for not allowing myself to feel anger at her. I am berating myself that my first thought still is: Nobody can just be a bad person. Instead of allowing my feelings to just be my feelings for a bit. 

Toxic messaging to suppress anger are damaging.

The point is NOT whether it is true that she is a bitch or not. The point is that if that is what I feel, I should allow myself to feel it. I should allow myself to feel: She is a bitch, without instantly changing that to: Well, you know that is not true because she also did nice things and it is not very grown up of you to respond in such a primitive, black and white way with your emotions.  If I allow myself to just think black and white for a little bit, it will eventually become grey, which is the healthy place to be when it comes to hurt and anger.  I need to stop allowing the higher thinking, rational brain cut off the emotional part of me. I need to allow the feelings out and then deal with the thoughts. I am trying to deal with the thoughts before I have had feelings about them. 

Google "Angry" and you will be overwhelmed with memes and quotes that tell us we should not be angry. That anger is a character flaw. That anger is pointless. That anger is a sign of weakness. 

I have turned my anger and rage into anger and rage at myself. I need to let that out. 

Guess what my first response was when my therapist said this? I said: "Well, it has been more than 3 years now. If I suddenly start getting angry now, people will look at me and find me pathetic that I am still stuck at that place of anger. And I would hate for OTHER PEOPLE to think I am a sad, pathetic, pitiful person".

Yes. It is clearly much healthier for ME to think I am a sad, pathetic, pitiful person. 

So today I looked at an empty chair and imagined she was sitting there. She wasn't allowed to speak, she was only allowed to listen. The therapist said: Talk to her. Tell her what you feel, what you really feel. And I couldn't. All I could say was: You did a horrible thing. He encouraged me to be more angry. To tell her what I thought of her. I softly said: you did a horrible thing and left me a wreck. 

I could not even be angry at an empty chair in the therapist's office. Even in that moment, I felt embarrassed for feeling angry. I felt it laughable to be angry at a chair. After all, she's not in the chair so what is the point. The rational brain is strong. It clearly needs more work to break it down. But I will keep trying to swing the sledgehammer at it.