In the months before we split up, I was feeling down and knew our relationship was not going well. In therapy C had said that it was because I was depressed and distant and urged me to do something about my depression. I did the thing people always tell you to do when you are feeling bad: exercise. I took up running and sometimes, C even came with me. I thought we were building something in common. We said we would try to run a Parkrun together eventually. After she left, I tried to take my mind off things by taking the running more seriously. I followed the NHS Couch to 5K program and eventually did a 5k Parkrun. I can safely say I probably cried at every single run I did. I pounded my anger into the same streets I had run with C. Memories of the corners we had stopped at for a rest. Or the bit in the park where we talked about our relationship. The stretch of road where C said she could run no more and got angry when I encouraged her to keep going. I varied my route as much as possible but there is only so far you can go in a 30 minute run. And when I crossed the line at the Parkrun, I cried. And Cried. And I stopped running.
Over the past year, I have taken to making music. And to working extra shifts. I've been told to keep busy and that this would eventually help to take my mind off things and help me move on. I was very aware that every single minute I was not busy, every single minute of silence, intrusive thoughts come to my mind. I cannot fall asleep without a podcast on, because silence brings intrusive thoughts. I cannot listen to music because a song might bring back memories or I might get angry at love songs. And every memory is followed by a question: how long? Did she mean this thing she said when we were at this place? Were they together already when we made (what I thought was) love during this trip? And so on and so on. People say: don't torture yourself. Which implies I am deliberately asking these questions, bringing them up on purpose.
As someone who is "on the spectrum", there are things I struggle with more than others. Questions with no answers are a particular problem with those on the autism spectrum. Unsurprisingly, when your partner has a secret relationship for years, there are a lot of questions you will never get an answer to. Many people don't understand that the pain of not knowing is hundreds of times worse than the pain of the truth. You can deal with pain. But not knowing is obsessive. I don't know how to let go. I don't think I can let go. Trust me, I would if it was as simple as: don't think about it. I am physically not wired to accept: you'll never know. I have begged for answers. Begged for explanations. And when they were given, they turned out to be not true. So I begged again. And was given yet another explanation. And eventually, I realised I cannot trust any explanation I will ever get. Because explanations are given not to help me, but to protect herself. A forensic explanation of the exact timeline of their relationship would be less painful than the constant questioning and continued lying. She said she wanted to divorce because she can't buy a house whilst we are still married. I KNOW that is a lie. I bought a house. They have two incomes and presumably a deposit. They can buy a house. Just tell me the truth. But is like she's not capable of doing that. This is a vital point: I keep asking questions because the answer WILL help me. I realise this is unusual for most people but I know myself. And so I ask: Why the continued lying? Am I not worthy of the truth? Questions, questions, questions. And I will never get an answer. It is relentless.
Anyway, I have tried to distract myself, so I would stop my brain from being flooded with questions all the time. And I thought I was doing reasonably well. Until lockdown. I am not saying in ANY way my lockdown is worse than anyone else's. But this is MY lockdown. I am alone. I have nothing to distract me. I can't do DIY to distract me (mostly because the house is how I want it), I do music but not as much. I need external stimulation to distract me. And there is barely any right now. Because we are not allowed to see people. So the obsessive questioning has returned again in the moments of silence. And with less opportunity to distract me, things are on a backward spiral. I feel worse again, asking myself why this, why that, why is she still lying to me when we are discussing divorce? It has gone back to being relentless again.
I drink too much and I eat too much. I have put loads of weight on. And so, I decided to take up running again. And it was a very bad idea. It has taken me even further back. Because now I not only remember when C and I ran together, whilst our relationship was falling apart, I now have a double whammy memory of how shit I felt when I was running last year after we split up. And added to that, I berate myself for feeling like this more than a year later. It's more than a year. I should stop moaning. I should stop being so unhealthily obsessed. I should be dating. I should be grateful for my friends. I should have moved on. I should stop thinking about them because they sure as hell don't seem to think about me. I should, I should, I should, I should, I should.
If I should, then why haven't I done it yet. Drama queen. Get over it.
Over the past year, I have taken to making music. And to working extra shifts. I've been told to keep busy and that this would eventually help to take my mind off things and help me move on. I was very aware that every single minute I was not busy, every single minute of silence, intrusive thoughts come to my mind. I cannot fall asleep without a podcast on, because silence brings intrusive thoughts. I cannot listen to music because a song might bring back memories or I might get angry at love songs. And every memory is followed by a question: how long? Did she mean this thing she said when we were at this place? Were they together already when we made (what I thought was) love during this trip? And so on and so on. People say: don't torture yourself. Which implies I am deliberately asking these questions, bringing them up on purpose.
As someone who is "on the spectrum", there are things I struggle with more than others. Questions with no answers are a particular problem with those on the autism spectrum. Unsurprisingly, when your partner has a secret relationship for years, there are a lot of questions you will never get an answer to. Many people don't understand that the pain of not knowing is hundreds of times worse than the pain of the truth. You can deal with pain. But not knowing is obsessive. I don't know how to let go. I don't think I can let go. Trust me, I would if it was as simple as: don't think about it. I am physically not wired to accept: you'll never know. I have begged for answers. Begged for explanations. And when they were given, they turned out to be not true. So I begged again. And was given yet another explanation. And eventually, I realised I cannot trust any explanation I will ever get. Because explanations are given not to help me, but to protect herself. A forensic explanation of the exact timeline of their relationship would be less painful than the constant questioning and continued lying. She said she wanted to divorce because she can't buy a house whilst we are still married. I KNOW that is a lie. I bought a house. They have two incomes and presumably a deposit. They can buy a house. Just tell me the truth. But is like she's not capable of doing that. This is a vital point: I keep asking questions because the answer WILL help me. I realise this is unusual for most people but I know myself. And so I ask: Why the continued lying? Am I not worthy of the truth? Questions, questions, questions. And I will never get an answer. It is relentless.
I drink too much and I eat too much. I have put loads of weight on. And so, I decided to take up running again. And it was a very bad idea. It has taken me even further back. Because now I not only remember when C and I ran together, whilst our relationship was falling apart, I now have a double whammy memory of how shit I felt when I was running last year after we split up. And added to that, I berate myself for feeling like this more than a year later. It's more than a year. I should stop moaning. I should stop being so unhealthily obsessed. I should be dating. I should be grateful for my friends. I should have moved on. I should stop thinking about them because they sure as hell don't seem to think about me. I should, I should, I should, I should, I should.
If I should, then why haven't I done it yet. Drama queen. Get over it.
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