Happy birthday to me.
It is 10 weeks since you died. I miss you so, so much. I cry for you every day. I am sorry to say though that I don't cry for you ALL day, every day.
Yesterday I saw A. for my first session of grief counseling. I used to love it when you played flute with her as music therapy. But then again, I used to love watching you do virtually anything. I like that I don't have to go through the whole process of getting to know the conselor before starting the therapy.
The session was good. Hey, I got to talk about you as much as I wanted. I find it hard to describe how incredibly difficult it is to deal with you no longer being a part of my future without bursting in to tears. I'll probably have half a dozen sessions. I just need to get an idea of how to get on with my life, now you are no longer here.
I think I am actually doing ok. I go out, I see friends, I do stuff. I am living. I am not grief stricken. Stricken as in: incapacitated by grief. I miss you in everything I do but it does not stop me doing it.
Tonight I went bowling with 6 people I had never met before. Organised through a website for people who want to meet other people in Northampton for friendship & activities. The bowling was a nice enough activity but when we finished the games and sat down at the bar for a chat, I found it overwhelming and difficult. I got through it as I did not want people to think I was rude. I was the first to leave. Oh, and did I mention I even went for pizza on my own in Bella Italia before I went bowling? And I did not even feel miserable. Probably because I was reading a book at the same time. But still...
For a first time, only 10 weeks after you died, I think I did pretty damn good, actually. In fact, I think overall I am doing pretty good. You told me you wanted me to get on with life; be happy again as soon as possible. I am working on it. I just need to find a way to get on with life and yet still hold you close. But don't worry, Leafy Lief. I'll be fine. I miss you. I love you. Always.
Unwinding Janis Ian/Kyle Flemming
The hours pass, the night unwinds
You left my heart a beat behind
Time is a friend and a foe
I never dreamed you would go
Love is a clock unwinding
'round and around
'til the feelings run down
I toss and I turn
'til I'm all tired out
I know I told you not to worry,
I'll be fine
It's just a matter of the heart,
and that takes time to unwind
I saw your sister yesterday
We couldn't find a lot to say
I took an apartment downtown
I'm getting used to it now
Leaving the past behind me
'round and around
'til the feelings run down
I toss and I turn
'til I'm all tired out
I know I told you not to worry,
I'll be fine
It's just a matter of the heart,
and that takes time to unwind
It is 10 weeks since you died. I miss you so, so much. I cry for you every day. I am sorry to say though that I don't cry for you ALL day, every day.
Yesterday I saw A. for my first session of grief counseling. I used to love it when you played flute with her as music therapy. But then again, I used to love watching you do virtually anything. I like that I don't have to go through the whole process of getting to know the conselor before starting the therapy.
The session was good. Hey, I got to talk about you as much as I wanted. I find it hard to describe how incredibly difficult it is to deal with you no longer being a part of my future without bursting in to tears. I'll probably have half a dozen sessions. I just need to get an idea of how to get on with my life, now you are no longer here.
I think I am actually doing ok. I go out, I see friends, I do stuff. I am living. I am not grief stricken. Stricken as in: incapacitated by grief. I miss you in everything I do but it does not stop me doing it.
Tonight I went bowling with 6 people I had never met before. Organised through a website for people who want to meet other people in Northampton for friendship & activities. The bowling was a nice enough activity but when we finished the games and sat down at the bar for a chat, I found it overwhelming and difficult. I got through it as I did not want people to think I was rude. I was the first to leave. Oh, and did I mention I even went for pizza on my own in Bella Italia before I went bowling? And I did not even feel miserable. Probably because I was reading a book at the same time. But still...
For a first time, only 10 weeks after you died, I think I did pretty damn good, actually. In fact, I think overall I am doing pretty good. You told me you wanted me to get on with life; be happy again as soon as possible. I am working on it. I just need to find a way to get on with life and yet still hold you close. But don't worry, Leafy Lief. I'll be fine. I miss you. I love you. Always.
Unwinding Janis Ian/Kyle Flemming
The hours pass, the night unwinds
You left my heart a beat behind
Time is a friend and a foe
I never dreamed you would go
Love is a clock unwinding
'round and around
'til the feelings run down
I toss and I turn
'til I'm all tired out
I know I told you not to worry,
I'll be fine
It's just a matter of the heart,
and that takes time to unwind
I saw your sister yesterday
We couldn't find a lot to say
I took an apartment downtown
I'm getting used to it now
Leaving the past behind me
'round and around
'til the feelings run down
I toss and I turn
'til I'm all tired out
I know I told you not to worry,
I'll be fine
It's just a matter of the heart,
and that takes time to unwind
Happy birthday!! Golly aren't we both ageing ...
ReplyDeleteWhat book were you reading?
Not aging. Just growing ever wiser. Happy birthday to you too.
ReplyDeleteI was reading (on the ipad) "About grief & grieving" by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler. It is a really good book because it explain what grief is and why you have to go through it. Most "self-help" books try to tell you how to get through it but I feel I need to know what the function of grief is to be able to know how to handle it.
'The function of grief' - that is an interesting perspective. Would you like to share some of EKR's ideas on the topic?
ReplyDeleteErh.....not really. I am not really up for a well-argued discussion. My blog posts are emotions and thoughts that I write literally as it comes out of my head. So if at some point I spontaneously have the urge to write something about it, then I will. Does that make sense? It currently serves me no emotional purpose to have a discussion, no matter how interesting it would be. It would be a discussion for the purpose of interesting discussion; verbal jousting. And I just do not have the mental energy for that right now. That is not the same as not bothered. I can hardly think straight, let alone construct an argument.
ReplyDeleteBut the book is certainly worth a read.
Hmmm.. That sounds harsher than I meant. I have not finished the book yet, not even half way through so I can't give an idea of what the complete point is. And indeed secondly, I am not really up for a well-constucted point. I can hardly organise my shopping list :)
ReplyDeletehappy birth day
ReplyDeleteDear Dutchcloggie
ReplyDeleteI feel your pain..I have read your posts which remind me so much of what I went through when I suffered my loss...a tear on your cheek..such 'transient evidence of enduring love'
(Rosie Furber). Please know that I, a stranger, am thinking of you. Please don't be hard on yourself. Karin