Executive function is the cognitive process that organises thoughts and activities, prioritises tasks, manages time efficiently, and makes decisions (ADDitude Mag).
All year during my course, I was constantly tired. Constantly tense. Always going more than 100 miles per hour. No sooner had a DYI idea presented itself, them another one appeared, more urgent than the previous one. Without actively looking for things to do, my brain filled up with one thing after another, a relentless barrage. Once in bed, I could not turn the lights off until 2am. I simply could not make the executive decision to try to sleep. Once I did turn it off, I slept right away, I didn't lie awake.
When I did manage to resist the urge to do DIY instead of study, I was unable to engage my executive functions to do the more cerebral work of sitting down and studying down. Instead I spent time on the sofa, watching TV, telling myself how lazy I was. In order to feel better about myself, I did my shopping. Or batch cooking. Or cleaning the house.
People struggling with executive skills may:
- Have trouble starting and/or completing tasks
- Have difficulty prioritising tasks
- Forget what they just heard or read
- Have trouble following directions or a sequence of steps
- Panic when rules or routines change
- Have trouble switching focus from one task to another
- Get overly emotional and fixate on things
- Have trouble organising their thoughts
- Have trouble keeping track of their belongings
- Have trouble managing their time
Last week, up until the day I decided to pull out, I had a long list of jobs in my head that needed doing. Until last week, everywhere I turned, things were jumping out at me. Things that needed my urgent attention.
Over and over and over again.
Since then... Nothing. Nothing is coming to me. Not even when I actively try to think of something to do. From the moment I pulled out, I have been bored when I have been om my own. Apart from the day I pulled out itself. That day I went to the tip, cleaned the entire house, did 2 loads of laundry, changed the bed sheets and had a long hot bath.
The ADHD brain is fascinating and frustrating in equal measures. Without any pressure, my brain simply does nothing. Nothing at all.
I now realise why I was so tired all the time. Consciously, I was trying to study. Consciously I was doing DIY. Subconsciously, my brain was constantly whirring around looking for distraction and at the same time fighting really hard to suppress the impulse to act on every single thought and idea. Even when on the sofa, my brain was busy either having ideas, berating myself for not doing uni work or trying with all its power to get my ADHD -impaired executive functions to kick in and get up. It is exhausting.
And now... I have nothing to do. Now I am on the sofa, trying with all my power to tell my ADHD-impaired executive functions to kick in so I get off my sofa and go to all those open mics I keep telling myself I will go to. And I berate myself for being lazy. And I am still tired.
This is not a Woe Is Me, I need sympathy from people-kind of tale. It is just more ADHD facts I am learning to accept. It is just another reason why I function better when I live with a partner who has "normal" executive functioning.
Actually I do need sympathy. From myself.
Oh my goodness.. I could have written that
ReplyDelete(well maybe not quite so succinctly) since I have lived on my own after my husband of 30 years died I have struggled with all these things and more .. I was diagnosed 10 years ago but managed ok ish until being on my own!
Yeah. I asked the shrink to change my meds as they are not working as well in my new situation. He said: You have been living a successful life for years on these meds so I will not change them. I tried to explain that during those years I was living with a partner, which makes a huge difference. He still refused.
ReplyDelete