I am struggling again today. I am ashamed and embarrassed that I am still so wrapped up in someone who deserves not a single second of my thoughts. It is pathetic.
It feels like for years, I have been in a room with the way out, the door, becoming more and more visible. I trow myself at the door, time and again. I have the key but somehow I can't seem to get in the lock. I cannot unlock the room I am trapped in.
I am starting to lose hope that I will get the key in the lock and escape. Maybe I should just stop the agony of the repeatedly failed attempts. The embarrassment of not being able to leave when the exit seems so clear. Many people have left this very same room, yet here I am, saying I want to escape, yet at the same time unable to do so. Or unwilling?
Because all the while, the longer I am in the room, the more the comfort of being in this familiar place starts to encroach on my resolve. Maybe the familiar agony of remaining in this place is less than the pain, the shame, and the embarrassment that are constantly revived after fleeting moments of hopefulness, trying to get the key in the lock. Maybe admitting defeat is better for my mental health than continuing to try.
Maybe I will just stay here and accept my fate.
And the worst thing about it is that I think if she knew, she would look at me with pity, not guilt. And that still. Fucking. Matters. When it really shouldn't.
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