You know how they always bang on about talking about your mental health issues. Turns out, that it is true: when you do, you learn you are not as awful as you think you are.
Listening to a podcast about intrusive thoughts. This guy says: sometimes when he is chopping carrots and his young kid is in the kitchen with him, a thought flashes through his head what it would be like to stab his kid with a knife. Or stab himself with a knife. He doesn't want to do it and is mortified that the thought even pops into his head. The shrink on the show says these thoughts are very, very common and most people have them and don't think about it for more than a split second. The problem is not the thought, but knowing that you are not your thoughts. This is a very common problem for people with a low self image: "OMG. I had a horrible thought. I am a horrible person. I am sure nobody else would think such a thing. I am deviant." Thus perpetuating the self-loathing.
Considering the fact that those of us with ADHD often notice all the details of just about everything around them, the smallest things can sometimes spark the darkest (or weirdest) thoughts. I pass a large man in the street and a thought pops in my head: I wonder if his dick is also big or if it would be laughably small by comparison (OMG, I am disgusting). A see a cute dog on a lead and I wonder how tight you could pull that lead before the dog would die (OMG, I must secretly enjoy torturing animals). I think of a friend or family member and wonder how sad I would be if they were dead (OMG, I am an awful person).
Remember one of the big issues with ADHD is that the brain does not know very well which things and thoughts are important and deserve attention, and which ones are just passing clouds in the sky and can/should just be ignored without further analysis. And so, a small, passing thought that many people have and pay no attention to, becomes a source of self loathing for some.
I guess I owe Corinne and Andy a debt of gratitude. Only by being entirely stripped of any self esteem and trust in my own judgement and understanding of how people interact with each other, have I been forced to start investigating myself or else I simply would not survive. I might turn these ramblings into a blog, rather than bore people here with them. They are more for me to work out my thoughts than anything else.
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