Tomorrow is C's birthday. I despise the fact that I have already spent about a week psyching myself up to resist the urge to email and wish her a happy birthday tomorrow.

 

Is that really better, and healthier, than to just decide it's ok to just wish her a happy birthday and not spend so much energy on hating myself for wanting to do that? And if it is NOT a good thing to do, when will this stop happening with every meaningful date? Birthday, wedding day, day she left...

 
Trust me, I REALLY am not holding on to this. I am no more on control of thoughts popping into my head than I am of blinking my eyes: I can hold them back for a while but in the end, I have to blink or I do damage.

 
Worrying thing is, it doesn't feel like a new relationship would stop this. Because happiness does not erase (what my therapist calls) trauma.