What has happened this year apart from trying to learn how to be on my own? I thought I might try and work through some of the things I have learned about myself, reflecting on what I have learned about my relationship(s) and what I am hoping to take with me into the future. It is not about excusing her cheating. It is about working through the things I need to learn and do better next time in order for ME to be happier next time. For me not to repeat the same behaviours.
Songwriting and music
I NEVER thought I would write songs. I tried to write a song ONCE. When I was about 17. I was dabbling with playing guitar and a girl I was in love with gave me some lyrics and said: write some music. I did. I sang her the song. And she and her sisters laughed at me because I had not realised the lyrics were actually some cheesy Lionel Richie song I had never heard of. They played me the song and of course my music was rubbish by comparison. It was the first time I had EVER tried to write a song. The first time I had ever tried creating any kind of chord progression and melody. Of course it was rubbish. I never tried again. I was never ever ever going to put myself in such a situation where I showed people I wanted to love me, music I had created. Because the one time I did it, was devastating.
And yet, in the past year, I have started to write songs. I have learned a lot about myself whilst doing this. A lot about why my relationship would never have worked out in the long run. A lot about why I made her life hard (which does not excuse the cheating) and a lot about how I denied myself to participate and share her music life with the way I felt/feel about my musical abilities compared to hers. How I was so keen not to be the loud shouty wife who constantly jumped to the forefront at her gigs, that I took it too far and did not engage with her friends at all. She never asked me to do it. My insecurities did it. I was so afraid of being too loud that I put myself so much in the background that it looked like I just didn't care. And I did care. I cared so much. I wanted so badly for her to shine. To be the centre of attention.
I was so in awe of her music that I did not have the guts to even contemplate trying to write anything myself. Because surely she would be forced to politely say: yes dear, that's nice, when in reality we both knew it was rubbish. I have heard her talk about other songwriters and I was terrified that she would talk like that about me and my songs behind my back. I suggested we try writing together a few times. She didn't want to. Probably because my insecurity often made me angry at the ease with which things seemed to come to her. And instead of pushing back at my anger, she just pulled away.
I would still be mortified if she heard my songs. And I am sure she has heard them. But I don't want to think about it. I need to no longer compare myself to her. I never should have. She's not God. She's good. But not God. And, admittedly, she would never say she is. Another thing that I did, me, my insecurities. I like country music. Simple stuff. She didn't. Which is fine. So I felt that if I wrote country music, she would think I was crap and not as clever as she had thought I was. I guess I thought that if I wrote bad music, it would show how much of how she felt about me in general was entirely wrong and that she would be disappointed in me and realise we should not be together. After all, we met at a gig and we met over a shared love of music. I put all my energy in encouraging her and none into growing my own music.
I did so much self-sabotage in relation to music during my marriage that it would have been very difficult to ever share music, songwriting and performing with me. I was always setting myself, and her, up to fail. When she said she thought I would be a great songwriter, I said she was only saying it to be polite. When she said I should just try it, I got angry for her using the word 'just'. Did she not realise it might come easy to her but not to me? When she said: just make up your own harmonies to my songs, I love your voice and I am sure it will sound great. I would get so afraid that what I came up with would disappoint her that I got angry at the ease with which she would then helpfully suggest a harmony for me.
Without defending her actions, I realise it must be very difficult to live with someone who is always so insecure and on high alert of failure. It must have been very attractive for her to meet someone who adored her music, was in awe of her songwriting whilst thinking his own was shit, but at least had the guts to put himself out there and write his own songs. So they could talk about songwriting, she would take suggestions from him about her songs. I'm sure that's how she looked at it. What she should have done of course was talk to me. Not be silent and just pursue someone else. But, again, that is about HER response to my issues. I don't want to talk about what she should have done. I want to talk about what I should have done. Not about what I should have done to keep her. But about what I should have done to be happy with myself. What I should not do next time.
I realise now that my songs and my performance are good enough. I never had doubts about my performance, actually. I just felt that without writing my own songs, I would never really be seen as a "serious" musician by C and her music friends. I don't know how C really felt about that as she didn't really seem to have much appreciation for people who sing only covers, but I know I seriously underestimated people in the music scene. They have all been great. And I believe them when they say they like my songs, voice and performance. I don't know if that means I have changed or that it is simply entirely different coming from friends or from the person whose approval sometimes matters more than life itself.
Reading this back makes me very tearful. It is so painful to read this and not be sure I won't fall into a similar trap next time.
Songwriting and music
And yet, in the past year, I have started to write songs. I have learned a lot about myself whilst doing this. A lot about why my relationship would never have worked out in the long run. A lot about why I made her life hard (which does not excuse the cheating) and a lot about how I denied myself to participate and share her music life with the way I felt/feel about my musical abilities compared to hers. How I was so keen not to be the loud shouty wife who constantly jumped to the forefront at her gigs, that I took it too far and did not engage with her friends at all. She never asked me to do it. My insecurities did it. I was so afraid of being too loud that I put myself so much in the background that it looked like I just didn't care. And I did care. I cared so much. I wanted so badly for her to shine. To be the centre of attention.
I was so in awe of her music that I did not have the guts to even contemplate trying to write anything myself. Because surely she would be forced to politely say: yes dear, that's nice, when in reality we both knew it was rubbish. I have heard her talk about other songwriters and I was terrified that she would talk like that about me and my songs behind my back. I suggested we try writing together a few times. She didn't want to. Probably because my insecurity often made me angry at the ease with which things seemed to come to her. And instead of pushing back at my anger, she just pulled away.
I would still be mortified if she heard my songs. And I am sure she has heard them. But I don't want to think about it. I need to no longer compare myself to her. I never should have. She's not God. She's good. But not God. And, admittedly, she would never say she is. Another thing that I did, me, my insecurities. I like country music. Simple stuff. She didn't. Which is fine. So I felt that if I wrote country music, she would think I was crap and not as clever as she had thought I was. I guess I thought that if I wrote bad music, it would show how much of how she felt about me in general was entirely wrong and that she would be disappointed in me and realise we should not be together. After all, we met at a gig and we met over a shared love of music. I put all my energy in encouraging her and none into growing my own music.
I did so much self-sabotage in relation to music during my marriage that it would have been very difficult to ever share music, songwriting and performing with me. I was always setting myself, and her, up to fail. When she said she thought I would be a great songwriter, I said she was only saying it to be polite. When she said I should just try it, I got angry for her using the word 'just'. Did she not realise it might come easy to her but not to me? When she said: just make up your own harmonies to my songs, I love your voice and I am sure it will sound great. I would get so afraid that what I came up with would disappoint her that I got angry at the ease with which she would then helpfully suggest a harmony for me.
Without defending her actions, I realise it must be very difficult to live with someone who is always so insecure and on high alert of failure. It must have been very attractive for her to meet someone who adored her music, was in awe of her songwriting whilst thinking his own was shit, but at least had the guts to put himself out there and write his own songs. So they could talk about songwriting, she would take suggestions from him about her songs. I'm sure that's how she looked at it. What she should have done of course was talk to me. Not be silent and just pursue someone else. But, again, that is about HER response to my issues. I don't want to talk about what she should have done. I want to talk about what I should have done. Not about what I should have done to keep her. But about what I should have done to be happy with myself. What I should not do next time.
I realise now that my songs and my performance are good enough. I never had doubts about my performance, actually. I just felt that without writing my own songs, I would never really be seen as a "serious" musician by C and her music friends. I don't know how C really felt about that as she didn't really seem to have much appreciation for people who sing only covers, but I know I seriously underestimated people in the music scene. They have all been great. And I believe them when they say they like my songs, voice and performance. I don't know if that means I have changed or that it is simply entirely different coming from friends or from the person whose approval sometimes matters more than life itself.
Reading this back makes me very tearful. It is so painful to read this and not be sure I won't fall into a similar trap next time.
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